Totally
by ofDiamonds
Summary: The sequel to Absolutely! Mary Sue parody involving Scary Harry, Redeemed Malfoy, and a new Sue with a most interesting name and much resemblance to two adult characters.
1. Monster

_TOTALLY_

_The totally Riveting and Anticipated Sequel to "Absolutely" by ofDiamonds_

_Genre: Harry Potter sappyRomance/clichéDrama/MARY SUE parody/ humor_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or anything related to it. They all belong to J.K. Rowling. The songs used in this do not belong to me either. I don't own anything okay I'm sorry. Now you made me feel bad…_

'_Shipping: Much like the first, this centers around a stupid relationship between a Mary Sue and cannon character, but will have plenty of needless subplots in which various couples work out._

_Summary: Kidnapped by death eaters as a baby, Jane is the product of many horrible experiments. Search for the cure leads her to Hogwarts, where she befriends the whole cast, including the charming Oliver Wood (don't ask how he got there). Also new at the school is the MYSTERIOUS new Professor Sugar Combe, who looks a lot like Jane, and even more like someone we'd all like to forget…_

_Misc. Banter: Please note the first chapter was supposed to be the start of a REAL story written by one of my friends a long time ago, before she new of The Sue. I've changed a few things around, but the rest of the story will be written with a bit more exaggeration_.

It was late at night when a crazy dream came over Harry like a mist. Lord Voldemort was breaking into a house. The family that lived there consisted of a mother, father, and a daughter. The mother told the girl to run and out the back door she went. Voldemort moved in on them and said, "Join me and we could rule the world."

"Never! We will never join you," yelled the mother with passion in her voice.

Voldemort grew angry and used the death curse on them. Then he went outside to catch the girl but there no sign of her anywhere. He yelled with anger at the moon and walked back into the house. He tore up the place looking for something that couldn't be found. He gave up and left. He didn't go through the front door but just disappeared from sight.

The dream blurs for a second. Down from the willow tree jumped the girl. She was tall and slender, with long black hair as black as midnight. Her eyes are glittering black…like midnight. She looks vaguely familiar to Harry. She runs inside and sees what happened. She lowered her head and vanishes into thin air. Just before she does, Harry gets a brief glimpse of a nametag on her jacket. "Hello My Name is JANE" it says in all caps.

Harry is breathing hard and sweating. He sits up and shakes his head, making his black hair swing all around.

"What's the matter?" asked Ron, changing back into past tense. This was getting kind of freaky. Harry's scar was bothering him again but all of the sudden it stopped. He laid back down on his Hogwarts bed and drifted off to sleep.


	2. Beauty

_Warning: This fic contains severe depictions of adverb abuse and graphic dialogue tags. Please read and review! Keep in mind it's a parody…_

"…Honestly, Ron, the first week of school and you're already behind."

Somewhere within the bellows of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardism, the sixth year Gryffindor prefects patrolled the hall in late hours of the night, bickering and quarreling.

"Really, we must keep up our studies if we're going to become successful," said Hermione Jane Granger. She grasped her billowy chestnut hair as she and the tall redheaded boy sauntered through the endless halls and stairwells alone.

But Ron didn't answer Hermione, who had grown very beautiful over the summer. He was too busy staring at a dark pointy shape on the stairwell above them with his large clear blue eyes and open mouth. "Eek!" he exclaimed, nervously staring up at the monster. A screeching bird's cry deafeningly echoed through the hallway like thunder. He looked back up and the figure was gone, and then it was below them! He grabbed for his wand, but a loose thread on his old robe had caught on the banister, which had suddenly magically moved so he fell down the stairs.

"Ron!" Hermione screamed, falling right after him, landing in a compromising position at the bottom of the stairs. They blushed embarrassingly, like it was going out of style.

Suddenly a sharp voice rang out stridently from behind them "Ooo, _public_ displays of _affection_. Should I _notify_ the authorities?" A blonde boy with arctic eyes came superciliously from the nearest hallway, a prefect badge gleaming from his broad chest.

"Shut up Malfoy, there's…something in here. I saw it, it's right above us, or below us," said Ron, disentangling himself from the clever witch.

"Oh, what? A _gold_ piece on the _ground_, Weasely? Got so excited _that_ you fell?"

"I see it, too. It's some sort of creature. Gee, I hope it's not another basilisk," said Hermione cleverly. "There it is again." Malfoy screamed and jumped into their arms as they looked up at the figure on the steps above them, which ducked behind a pillar.

"_Coolwhipus_," shouted Ron valiantly, shooting a light spell up at the creature. The monster lazily whipped out a wand and easily deflected it. Silently, it stepped around the pillar and into the light.

But instead of a monster, from behind the pillar emerged a beautiful young woman. Her hair was long and black, with a slight wave and lots of shine. Her skin was pale, but not pasty. It was the type of pale that let you know she would never have wrinkles if she got any older because she took good care of her skin. Her eyes were dark black and severely glittering, and it was those eyes that gave Hermione a most sincere feeling of deja vu.

The girl slid down the banister and put Draco in a gentle headlock, holding a Palo Verde wand to his throat. "Leave them alone, loser," she whispered, in a voice as sweet as honey and severing as scissors.

Draco nodded nervously and ran away, but not before shouting "You'll pay!" Ron's jaw dropped.

"Hello, I was hoping to find the Ravenclaw common room," said the young beauty mysteriously.

"Who are you?" Hermione asked, closing Ron's mouth with her hand.

The girl smiled at the silly boy and looked around at the halls, her black glittering eyes aglow with mystique and wisdom. "The new transfer student, from Arizona." Instead of a Hogwarts uniform, she was wearing jeans and a white spaghetti strap shirt that partially revealed her belly. Her shoes were purple Vans.

"Jane Silver?" Ron stuttered, turning the color of the girl's lips. "We were expecting you a week ago!"

"I'm afraid I was sidetracked," she said, tossing her raven waves across her shoulder with much elegance. "And my name is pronounced Yawn-uh. It's Slavic for gracious and merciful."

"Well that's…unique," said Hermione. "I'm—"

"Hermione Granger," finished the girl in brisk manor. "Which is a Greek name meaning…earthy. Which clearly isn't true," She glanced Hermione up and down. "You're Harry Potter's friends. I know all about you two."

"Wow," stuttered Ron.

"I read about you all the time in the Daily Prophet," she said. Ron and Hermione each raised an eyebrow. "Of course I know that paper is completely unreliable and destructive and needs to be stopped. Speaking of destructive, who was that boy that was just in here? A Slytherin I suppose? I didn't the like the way his eyes were so cold, he must be evil. Of course, maybe someone can find some good in him." She sighed.

"Yeah, whatever," said Hermione, pursing her less red lips. "I'm afraid we don't know where your common room is. We're Gryffindors, but I'm sure you already knew that."

"Oh that's okay, I'm sure I can…" Jane's eyes flashed. She got the vision of a tower on the east side of the building. "…find it. See ya…"

"See you around Jay— I mean _Yawn-uh._" Hermione rolled her chocolately eyes as the girl sped off into the night. She looked down at her wrist for the time. Her watch was gone.

Ron's face turned white. He was shocked that she would think of such a thing. "B—b—but what about the m—m—monster we saw?!"

"I absolutely have no ideas how you got into Gryffindor. You're such a pussy cat. I believe Yawn-uh scared it off. That girl already annoys me. I would never imagine her as a Ravenclaw," Hermione continued to complain about Jane as they strolled back to the Gryffindor common room.

The door of the Gryffindor common room opened but Harry didn't notice it. It was Hermione's voice that brought him out of his concentration. She was talking about someone. By the sound of it…a girl.

"The way she corrected the pronunciation of her name was done way too calmly. How does she know "everything" about us? I hate her hair! What kind of an accent did she have? I can't believe you like her! Where have I seen those eyes before? This is driving me mad!" she said in a calm yelling voice.

"Ron thinks who is hot?" Harry called out, not thinking to be quiet.

Ron blushed and argued back. "I do not like Jane Silver—I mean Yawn-uh Silver. What are you doing, Harry?"

Harry's unkempt head popped up from underneath the pile of papers. "Looking at the school's student records. I'm trying to find the girl from my dream. Is this Yawn-uh girl the exchange or transfer student?"

"Yes she is and if you ask me her pale skin, dark eyes, black wavy hair, dark red lips, and strange accent are not attractive at all." Hermione seemed a bit jealous of her.

Harry froze. She had just described what the girl in his dream looked like. "Hermione, that's what she looks like."

"Who?"

"The girl of my dreams—Uh, I mean the girl from my dreams. Heh-heh."


	3. Rebel

The next morning The Trio sat at the breakfast table, eating of all things. Harry kept looking around to see if he could spot that girl, but she was no where to be found. He was beginning to wonder if he was just insane or something. He'd been wondering that a lot lately.

"Good morning, Mr. Potter."

Harry looked up to see Snape's glittering black eyes glaring down at him.

"Yessssssss?" he asked.

"Mr. Potter, it has come to my attention that some of my more inexpensive potion supplies have gone missing." Snape's hair glimmered as he spoke.

"I assure you it wasn't us, sir," said Hermione, her cheeks going red. Snape was wearing all black again and looked really hot.

"Mr. Potter—"Snape started, his mouth curling in a wicked grin.

"I DIDN'T TAKE NOTHING!!!" Harry screamed, the anger inside him boiling like no anger had ever boiled. He'd understandably had enough of this bullying.

But Snape didn't get time to respond. The great hall doors burst open, highlighting a curvy silhouette in the doorway, which began to glide toward them. Harry's jaw dropped as his green eyes roved over the tank top and tie, the daring low rider pants (exposed by a casually falling open robe), the purple Vans shoes, and finally the purple skateboard under the girl's feet. The Hufflepuffs cheered as she passed by them, giving each guy a dashing white smile. Suddenly she had to stop because Snape was in her way.

"Skating in the great hall? 15 points from Gryffindor," said Snape meanly.

"I'm in Ravenclaw, sir."

"Well then, 10 points from Ravenclaw."

Jane impressively popped her board up into her hand. "I'm sorry I took too much time washing my hair. I have to spend at least an hour in the shower to make sure it doesn't get too greasy. I didn't want to miss breakfast."

"Is that so?" said Snape meanly.

"Oh, back off Snape, she's not hurting anyone," said a masculine Scottish voice. There he stood tall and dark haired, with eyes as deep as a bottomless pit. Jane felt her legs wobble.

Oliver Wood made his way across the room to where Jane and Severus were. "By the way," he said to Snape. "There's some kids snogging behind the greenhouse—thought you ought to know."

Snape raised his eyebrow in a really creepy way. "All right, I'll trust you with her punishment." He stormed out the doors, his cape flying out behind him like batman.

Oliver turned to Jane. "I'm not taking any points but…don't do it again," he said, giving her a wink." He turned to walk away, but snuck a quick glance back. "Nice moves, you should be on the Quidditch team."

"Maybe," she said, as he began to walk back to the High and mighty Table. Out of earshot, she added in a whisper, "Oliver."

Sighing with memory, she stepped back on her skate board, did a jump over the Hufflepuff's and sat down with her fellow wise guys at the Ravenclaw table. She sat there pondering until her thoughts were interrupted.

"That temporary flying teacher's pretty cute, isn't he?" said a voice. Jane looked in front of her to see two almond eyes staring her down. "He's suspended from the English Quidditch team for _misconduct_. Usually they don't take them so young, but he's filling in since Madame Hooch got struck by lightning…again." The girl was Asian and kind of gorgeous. She looked like she might be a seventh year. "I'm Cho Chang…and you are?"

"Jane Silver," said Jane, pulling a Go-gurt from her pocket. "Who was that sadistic greasy dude?"

"Professor Snape," said another voice. Jane turned to see a younger girl sitting next to Cho. She had long dark blonde hair and wide pale eyes. Somehow Jane could tell she was a fifth year. Luna Lovegood smiled and laughed, "He's so creepy it's sexy."

"Uh, for some reason I don't see that." Jane raised an eyebrow and looked at the girl strangely. "Anyone else I should know about?"

"The DADA teacher, she's the sweetest thing you'll ever meet," said Cho, cutting in. "Her name's Professor Combe. The only thing wrong with her is that nobody really knows who the heck she is." Cho pointed over to the teachers table with her fork. The DADA teacher's hair was the color of honey, and tied tightly in a bun at the back of her head. Her eyes were like amber, only partially hidden by some black glasses.

She looked vaguely familiar to Jane, who forced her eyes off the High Table and over to the Gryffindor table. "Hey! Isn't that Harry Potter?"

"Oh, _yes_," said Luna, grinning wolfishly.

"Yeah, you can't mistake him," Cho said calmly, "He's my ex-boyfriend." Suddenly she threw herself onto the table in tears, splashing everyone with orange juice. Her hair dragged around in the maple syrup and scrambled eggs as she wept. The grease from the sausages stained her robes in despair. Luna casually took the girl's elbow out of her omelet and continued eating.


	4. Jock

Rebel

"(sigh)All right team. Let's all practice so that we can win…or something," said Padma Patil, the beautiful East Indian captain of the Gryffindor team. Her eyes were half closed, her voice was monotone, and her mouth hung open in apathy. She stood at the Quidditch field, giving her pep talk to the Ravenclaw team.

"Um, Chang's not here. We don't have a seeker," said a boy in the back.

Padma blinked and stared into space.

"Um, I can stand in for her!" said a lovely voice. Jane hopped down from the quidditch stands at least thirty feet, landing gracefully on her feet. "I think she's trying to get the syrup out of her hair!"

"Don't you have a class or something?" Padma said, her eyes drooping.

"Just muggle studies. Ain't nothing important."

"Whatever." Padma turned her eyes back over to the team. "Anyways," she said, with all the enthusiasm of a clean pair of socks. "We'll have even more to worry about now that Potter's back on the team and Jailbait Weasely's the team captain. But I know we can like (sigh) win if we try…or something."

"Hey, nobody's ever beat the Boy Who Lived," snickered a boy in the back. "Except Cedric, and look what happened to him. And we definitely can't beat Jailbait."

Padma didn't appear to disagree with him. She sighed again and rubbed at her eyes. "Wasn't somebody supposed to bring donuts?"

Some wild laughter sounded from across the field.

"Speak of the _Devil_," Padma muttered.

Coming toward them was an army of sneaker clad boys and girls, led by a girl in a pair of knee high leather boots, which had at least 6 huge buckles on each shoe. The girl was also wearing plaid skirt that came about half an inch close to illegal. Her short black tube top accentuated her belly chain quite nicely and all of this contrasted heavily with her flaming red hair. As they marched, she blew a huge bubble of Drooble's Best Blowing gum. Beside her was Oliver Wood, still dashing, but a bit bewildered by the way the 15 year old was violently dragging him across the field. The Gryffindor players, Harry and Ron included, followed them timidly.

"It's our field today," said Ginny, popping her gum loudly. Padma blinked.

"Uh, we were here first," said Jane, catching Harry's eye. He grinned, wondering if she knew him like he knew her.

"That doesn't mean a thing to me. We're the better team so we should practice on executing our moves. Right, _Professor_?" Ginny lisped, squeezing Oliver's arm. She noticed Jane. "Who are you?"

"Jane Ashlee Monica Phoebe Avril Silver of Durmstrang, and more recently the America's Nickelwood. She won the house cup for both schools and beat Viktor Krum twice before she came here. She's filling in for Cho "Waterspout" Chang at the moment. Her favorite color is purple," said Ron, like a perfect stalker. "Uh…Ginny, your skin is showing."

"What position do you play, Jane?" asked Ginny in a snooty voice, ignoring her brother.

Oliver was disgusted, and not just by what she was wearing. "She is obviously a Seeker. Filling in for Cho, who is a seeker, and playing seeker against Viktor Krum at Durmstrang wasn't clue enough for you?"

"Why are you here, anyway?" Ginny replied, not being able to create a good comeback for her blonde mistake.

"Well, you did drag me here. I want to see my old team practice. Speaking of which, why don't you split the field? You only need half anyway," said Oliver smoothly. Several girls went dreamy eyed over him. He smiled and wrenched his arm away from Ginny. Jane's fair skin turned red in a blushing manor. Oliver stole a glance at her but she ducked her head as he did so.

"We always had the do that at Nickelwood. It was so ghetto," said Jane, smiling at Oliver flirtatiously.

"Um…who gets the snitch and what about the Quaffle?" said Harry, finally managing to speak in front of this girl.

Jane pulled out a soccer ball which would do for the Quaffle. "We will have to do rock-paper-scissors for the snitch. Harry, you understand it, right?"

"Rock-paper-scissors."

"Darn, you win. Harry you get to decide who gets the snitch."

"But you didn't choose anything."

"Right."

"Rock-paper-scissors." Harry chose paper while Jane chose rock.

"Sorry. We get the snitch and the real Quaffle." The Gryffindor team jumped on their brooms and sped off to their half of the field. Jane took out her broom from her black duffle bag. All of her teammates were shocked and impressed as well as Oliver who was making his way back to the stands.

"WOW!"

"What IS that?"

"_WOW!"_

"I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT BEFORE."

"WOW!"

"WHERE'D YOU GET IT?"

"WOW!"

"I made it myself. This is what I've always wanted to do: create better, faster brooms and I have succeeded." She moved it around so that it glimmered, putting Harry's Firebolt to shame. "Well, it's still a prototype," she sighed. "I call it Hurricane Gloria 180 because it is extremely fast and dangerous if you don't know how to control it." The purple broom had quite a glimmer, but not as much as that of Jane's eyes. "It can also morph into a hovering skateboard. It's wickedly awesome. Come on, I'll show you."

"No, that's okay—" They were up in the air in a matter of seconds. The chasers were throwing the soccer ball to each other while Jane snatched it in mid-throw air. The Gryffindors saw this and were surprised that she could play all positions and at her magnificent skills The Ravenclaw Chasers grew angry with her hogging the ball so she tossed it back to them.

Meanwhile Harry wasn't so lucky being on the Gryffindor side. The snitch was hard to spot in the weather, and the chasers were always being held up because Ron kept yelling for Ginny to hold her skirt down. He looked back over at Jane, who, with nothing to do, had switched her broom to skateboard mode and set out to do tricks on a make belief half pipe and on the edges of the stadium stands. She was doing (Insert any kind of trick you know here) .

Oliver Wood suddenly felt Déjà vu. Something about Jane made his heart beat speed up and blood rushed to his face making him blush deeply. He couldn't put his finger on it but he knew her from somewhere. It was driving him crazy. How he suddenly started to have all of the feeling for this school girl, he had no idea. It's not professional of him. "Durmstrang! Miranda, could it really be her…Miranda's friend? I hope no one heard that."

"Frog strudels! I lost the snitch!" Harry whispered so everyone could hear him.

Jane was sitting on the edge of the stands. In the dimming light the golden snitch is impossible to find even if it flies right by you. Jane, whose eyesight is better than perfect and those of Elvish people of Middle Earth, saw the snitch hovering next to her and grabbed it. "Harry! It came over here. I found it."

"How the heck did she do that?"

"There's no way anyone could have seen the snitch in these conditions."

"She must have used some kind of spell."

"You would have to be some kind of…I dunno…monster to do so without one."

Oliver froze. He said within himself, "It must be her. I can't believe it. She hasn't aged very much." Wood was now determined to figure out this mystery or get her to tell him, whichever would come first.


End file.
